


You can always eat an apple

by hatebeat



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-17
Updated: 2014-02-17
Packaged: 2018-01-12 18:51:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1195704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hatebeat/pseuds/hatebeat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pickles is not a great babysitter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You can always eat an apple

**Author's Note:**

> Cassie Explosion is an OC created by my pals and I. Post-Dethklok's breakup, Nathan ends up marrying Rachel (Klokblocked) and together they have a daughter named Cassie.

Pickles hated kids, just on principle. All of 'em, every snot-nosed little piece of trash out there. The only exception was Nate's kid. From the moment that little pink brat came out, screaming like a fuckin' banshee, Pickles loved the shit out of her. 

He wasn't prepared, though, for the day when Rachel asked him to come over and watch her kid until Nathan got back, because she had to go out and couldn't take her wherever the hell she was going- Pickles wasn't really paying that much attention to where. He was supposed to be alone with a kid? A fuckin' toddler?

Cassie seemed pretty happy for the most part. Pickles just sat her in front of the tv while he laid across the couch and had a couple beers. She got a little restless, though, and started to climb on things. He kept telling her no, but she didn't really listen to him and Pickles wasn't really sure what to do about that...

At one point, he pulled her up into his lap just to keep a grip on her to keep her from knocking shit over and doing other obnoxious shit kids did, and she seemed happy just to be held for a while, watching the bright colours and listening to the dumb, gay kids songs coming out of the 120" tv. But even with a screen that big, the kid started to wriggle around eventually. Cassie squirmed and got her grubby little hands around one end of Pickles' beer and yanked.

"Hey. You're just a baby, you can't have that," Pickles explained to her, and he pulled it away and held it up over her head. She tried and tried to get it back, but when it was clear that she wasn't going to, she started screaming and crying, reminding Pickles once again why he fucking hated every child in the world. 

Fifteen minutes later found the kid still screaming her fuckin' diaper off on the living room floor and Pickles at the fuckin' end of his rope trying to get her to shut up. He tried dangling toys in front of her, had turned on four different movies, but she just wanted his fucking beer and he didn't blame her, but he was pretty sure that was basically the only thing he couldn't give her.

The front door opened and Nate walked in, and Pickles looked up at him helplessly.

"Dude, help me out, she won't shut the fuck up!" Pickles whined, desperate. 

"What the hell did you do to her?" Nathan asked, making a face at the screaming child, as if he wasn't fucking used to dealing with this shit by now.

"I didn't do nothin', she was tryin' to drink my drink an' I wouldn't let her!"

"Did you try getting her her own drink?" Nathan asked, like that was the most obvious thing in the world.

"She got one right over there," Pickles pointed at the sippie cup on the floor, then as if to make a point, he bent down and grabbed the thing, holding it out to the screaming kid.

"Hey Cass, check it out, got you your own drink. Here y'go, go on," Pickles coaxed her, but as soon as she took the cup from him, she threw it halfway across the room, screaming even more loudly.

"Brutal," Nathan muttered, looking a little bit at a loss.

"What're we gonna do?" Pickles asked, totally having had enough of this shit.

"Wait, I got it."

Without explanation, Nathan turned and walked straight out of the living room, abandoning Pickles with the little tantrum-throwing shithead. He came back just a minute later, though, with a small plate. Thank fuckin' god. 

"Hey goofball, I got you something," Nathan said in a sort of singsong voice, and he thrust the plate toward the kid. Cassie looked toward it, and Pickles was sure she was going to throw that shit, too, but to his surprise, her fingers closed around a piece of sliced up apple and lifted it to her mouth, her cries stopping immediately.

"Huh. Guess she was hungry," Nathan said, sounding a hundred percent surprised that it had worked. 

Pickles shook his head and finished off the rest of his beer, which was now fucking warm thanks to that kid's tantrum.

"You owe me a fuckin' drink, dude," he sighed, plopping back down on the couch. Cassie was definitely easier to deal with with her mouth stuffed full of apples. "That kid sure got your lungs, Nate."


End file.
